The term “sleep like a baby” is a horrible lie. They have no idea when they’re supposed to sleep so that means you don’t really sleep at all.
If you turn your head for a fraction of a second they’ll find a way to turn anything into a mess. They’re the MacGyver of messes.
Your entire day will revolve around the smell, texture, and frequency of his poops.
You’ll also have no problem scooping up your kid and smelling his butt because you know better than to stick your finger in the back of his diaper to check it.
You’ll be able to interpret what sounds like complete gibberish to other people as words. You’ll know that “flahaba” means banana.
Those sweet, sentimental commercials about kids that you used to scoff at will now make you weep out loud.
You know you need a lot of diapers but you realize you can’t buy too much of one size because if they grow out of them, you’ll be stuck with a bunch of the wrong size so now you have to pick between having tons of excess or going to the store twice every week.
You never realized how many words you say every day that you would die if your child ever spoke.
You will straight up end a friendship if someone you know comes over, walks too loud, and wakes up the baby that you just spent that last two hours getting to sleep.
You think you’re really intelligent until your kid starts asking you what sound animals make and you realize you don’t know half of the answers.
You thought having a pet would hinder you from getting your deposit back on an apartment, but that was before your kid walked in the door.
You don’t you didn’t buy all these toys, but they’ve completely taken over your house. Are they mating? How is this happening?
Shirts will go from “is this one clean” to “does this one have the least amount of visible spit up stains on it?”
You thought you could have sex under any circumstance, but now you realize your child crying in the next room can shut everything down in an instant.
Remember when you could just jump in the car and go to the store? Now you have to strap in your child, make sure you have snacks, a change of clothes, extra diapers, milk, juice, and by the time you get it all together you can’t remember where you wanted to go in the first place.
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