When I drink I’ll usually end up falling asleep standing up by about 12:30 in the morning. I am admittedly not anywhere close to being a high-functioning alcoholic. That doesn’t mean I don’t try to be…but the thought of getting a personal pizza and collapsing in my bed at a reasonable hour always seems to outweigh the desire to keep drinking. I think I’d feel this way even if I was a high-functioning alcoholic. Sleep always seems to be preferable to, well, anything.
But what do I know?!
Here are some signs you too might be a functional alcoholic.
1. When I’m drunk I do tend to make a lot of noises that sound like a pirate saying, “argh.”
2. Cabbing to the liquor store is for amateurs.
3. It smells like being 19 again.
4. I don’t know if I should be encouraging you people.
But in fairness to me, this seems like something a functional alcoholic would already know.
5. He was dead asleep until he heard the cap come off the bottle.
6. This seems like the poster drink for women who get day drunk while their kids are at school.
7. The joke is it IS vodka
8. Meetings all day? Wear your special tie.
9. I set these out at kids’ soccer games and caught, like, seven moms. It’s genius.
10. Have you ever seen something so glorious?
11. I’d become a chess grand master in no time if these were the stakes.
12. When your blood-alcohol level becomes an alcohol-blood level.
13. Been there!
14. “TECHNICALLY, I made it home. See? High functioning.”
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