Have you ever really stopped to examine some of the weird thoughts that go through your mind in different situations? They occur mostly when you’re alone and bored, but aren’t limited to those times. If humankind was honest and vulnerable enough to compare those raw thoughts to those of others they would probably a) laugh their asses off and b) realize we’re not that different after all….
#1. Admit it… you’ve done this
#2. Milk is just immature cheese.
#3. Why aren’t iPhone chargers called ‘Apple juice’?
#4. Once you have your Ph.D., every meeting becomes a doctor’s appointment.
#5. If you say “olive juice” it looks like you’re saying “I love you” so don’t say it unless you mean it.
#6. When I was a kid the phrase “you can’t have your cake and eat it too” never made sense to me… because if I’m eating cake, then it’s probably mine. Who eats someone else’s cake?!
#7. Fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing.
#8. Clapping is just hitting yourself because you like something.
#9. The Japanese flag is really a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
#10. Why do the women in razor ads never have stubble on their legs before they start shaving?
#11. In order to fall asleep, you must first pretend to be asleep.
#12. 1980 is as far away as 2046.
#13. When you drink alcohol, you are just borrowing happiness from tomorrow.
#14. Your age is just the number of laps you’ve done around a giant fireball in the center of the solar system.
#15. A duck’s opinion of you is determined by whether or not you have bread. -Mitch Hedberg
#16. When jogging we wear special clothes so people don’t think we are actually running or walking to or from something.
#17. Today is the oldest you’ve ever been, and the youngest you’ll ever be.
I love the duck quote but please don’t feed ducks bread. It’s not good for them, seriously.
Which one made you laugh hardest? Be sure to “Share” the humor with your friends by clicking below!