14 Signs You May Be Drinking Too Much…

When I drink I’ll usually end up falling asleep standing up by about 12:30 in the morning. I am admittedly not anywhere close to being a high-functioning alcoholic. That doesn’t mean I don’t try to be…but the thought of getting a personal pizza and collapsing in my bed at a reasonable hour always seems to outweigh the desire to keep drinking. I think I’d feel this way even if I was a high-functioning alcoholic. Sleep always seems to be preferable to, well, anything.

But what do I know?!

Here are some signs you too might be a functional alcoholic.

1. When I’m drunk I do tend to make a lot of noises that sound like a pirate saying, “argh.”
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2. Cabbing to the liquor store is for amateurs.
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3. It smells like being 19 again.
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4. I don’t know if I should be encouraging you people.

But in fairness to me, this seems like something a functional alcoholic would already know.
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5. He was dead asleep until he heard the cap come off the bottle.
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6. This seems like the poster drink for women who get day drunk while their kids are at school.
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7. The joke is it IS vodka
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8. Meetings all day? Wear your special tie.
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9. I set these out at kids’ soccer games and caught, like, seven moms. It’s genius.
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10. Have you ever seen something so glorious?
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11. I’d become a chess grand master in no time if these were the stakes.
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12. When your blood-alcohol level becomes an alcohol-blood level.
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13. Been there!
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14. “TECHNICALLY, I made it home. See? High functioning.”
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